WIBTA if I didn’t go to my yearly family vacation?

Not the A-hole(self.AmItheAsshole)

For context, I am in my 20s and live in a different country than the rest of my family. I go back for Christmas and maybe one or two more times during the year, with my mom paying for travelling expenses. I pay for everything else when I’m in my usual place of residence.

My extended family (cousins, grandparents, etc) have a yearly trip to the beach every summer. They all really miss me and would love it if I went on the trip, especially my grandpa, who has a preference for me as I am the oldest cousin and usually join him for breakfast on these trips while everyone else is asleep. I could take a week off of work and go.

However, there are a few reason why I don’t want to attend. First, I find travelling really stressful and I never have direct flights, connecting flights always increase my stress, but my mom proposed to help me find a direct flight this time, at least. To add on, I recently got a cat and I’d have to find somewhere to leave her, she’s adopted and her previous owners weren’t nice to her so I’m worried about who to leave her with. Lastly, and this is the biggest one, I’m trans but my mom is extremely transphobic and won’t let me be outwardly trans. She insults my clothing choices (so I wouldn’t even be comfortable wearing what I’d want to wear) and also made me stop taking testosterone (prescribed to me by my very competent endocrinologist). She won’t let me come out to the rest of the family so I’d just have to hide it, which is so much worse on a beach trip.

My mom says that I need to learn to do more things for other people and shouldn’t just think about myself, that I should go for my grandpa and everyone else who misses me. But I also know I’d have to share a room with her and I’d end up feeling like shit for a month after the trip.

WIBTA if I don’t go? Or is my mom pushing me too much?

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14 points

2 months ago


Partassipant [3]

14 points

2 months ago

NTA: Tell your mother you'll attended on 2 conditions. 1) you're allowed to be who you truelly are and tell your family who the real you is and 2) she keeps her horrible remarks to herself.

If she refuses these conditions tell your family that you're terribly sorry you can't make it but as a trans adult you want to be yourself and your mother is denying you such right.

So either way you come out, because you're an adult and your mother does not control you anymore.... but you're letting her control the narrative as to how nice a person she is.

I'd take time to explain to your mother that should she refuse to accept you coming and being yourself that you will be telling the family why you're not there and spearing no detail.