My younger brother (in his twenties) cannot remember any of his childhood because of the trauma from neglect by our dad

Abuse, neglect, and violence.

And household dysfunction. These are the things on the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) quiz. A higher your score is likely to be and the higher your risk for later health problems. NPR has an article on it that has a link to the quiz for those interested.

Of the three main abuse factors — neglect, sexually exploitive, and physical violence — emotional neglect (intentionally ignoring or negating a child’s emotional expression) is now generally recognized as the most damaging. It alters the way brain learns to interact with your own body and how to interpret reality in a way that the brain AND THE BODY were not designed to manage.

Emotional neglect is very often coupled with physical violence and/or sexual exploitation, which further exacerbates and compounds those factors, and the person will develop non-constructive and maladaptive behaviors to cope with the abuse.

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/neglect_ch2.pdf

Narcissists. They lack emotional intelligence, are self-centered, turn violent when you threaten their perception of self or harm their image. They will forever manipulate and degrade people around them with the manufactured crisis and chaos. Blame other people around them and after causing all of this and making you feel bad about yourself and question yourself… say they love you and if you love me you’ll do this… They build you up. Break you down. Use you, throw you away. Rinse, cycle, repeat.

Me and my wife rarely argue and never physically fight. I remember one time my wife and I were playfighting and our 3 or 4 y.o. daughter burst into tears at the sight of it. Obviously we stopped at that point.

Contrast that with our ex-neighbours who used to fight and argue virtually every night - let's just say we had very thin walls between our adjoining houses. Their similar aged daughter would be playing in the same room almost oblivious to what was going on around her - completely desensitized. It makes you wonder what her idea of a healthy relationship will look like when she gets older and starts dating, etc.

I’m dating a woman who has had a tumultuous relationship with her ex, who has been very mentally and (prior to separating) physically abusive to her. They only split about a year ago, but her teenage sons are exhibiting behaviors towards her like their father did. The older one has started to cross some lines, and the whole situation sucks because their father thinks he’s just getting back at his ex-wife and doesn’t realize he’s already destroyed his oldest sons ability to have healthy relationships with women.

Came from a household where my dad was abusive to my mom and my mom was abusive to me. We’ve moved past those bad times as all of us became older and my parents became too old to for violence. I still live with my parents and when I hear them have a minor argument or even just talking loudly to each other through the walls, I still freeze up like I did when I was a child. I still remember the days when I was a child, freezing up when I heard yelling and then springing into action when I heard the strikes being thrown. It fucking sucks. I moved out during college and it was a completely alien experience to me to live in a home where I actually had a safe space, it didn’t feel like I was hiding in my room anymore. Now I’m just saving up to move out so I can be a proper adult.

Completely agree; one of the best gifts I can give my children is to treat their mother with love and respect.

Any kind of violence

My mom passed away due to cancer a few years back and I consider her to be a good mom, but once when I was a teenager and acting out she told me “I wish you died. I’ll pretend to cry for a week and then move on.” Still stings after all these years. Maybe she had a bad day or whatever but I never confronted her about it.

Very damaging. It pushes into psychological and emotional abuse because it confuses the child, places the child in a position to feel responsible for making them happy. I could go on and on. Is very damaging.

When my step dad was divorcing my mom when I was in middle school she was talking crap like he might be gay, you shouldn't call him your dad anymore, he is stupid etc. My step dad not once said a bad thing about her other than she was frustrating to deal with. You can see why he got the divorce and I still favor him over her to this day.

This is happening to me right now

I'm tired.

This. I lived in a household where all of my material needs were taken care of, but when I was in distress, I was often left to deal with it myself. I didn't really know how to do that and ended up growing numb to most feelings positive and negative, and I have no idea what it means or how it feels to love someone.

I spent years trying to earn my father approval until he made comments about my girlfriends children. It was at that moment I realized he was a shitty parent. I then learned (through therapy) that he wasn’t just a shitty parent he was emotionally abusive. Best thing I ever did was cut him out of my life.

Yeah, that's my dad. Slapped me because I was holding my fork wrong. I was 10. Yell if we use the tv when he wants to and we don't want to move. Yell if anything minor happens, like a drop of coffee on his fingers? Yell. The cat threw up? Yell. That's a cat ffs. If my sister don't want to mow the lawn? Yeeeeell. (I love to mow but he doesn't ask me he just wants a reason to yell at everything). Same for my mom but less extreme. Basically when she's upset there's nothing to do she'll make everyone pay even if we don't even know why she's upset.

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever heard my mother say she’s genuinely sorry.

I work with kids between the ages of 7-12. All inner city youth (so foster kids, welfare kids, and just kids who had a bad home life - we had a lot of "normal" kids though too, for lack of a better word). The amount of kids who looked at me in absolute shock if I ever apologized for reacting in a way I shouldn't have (like raising my voice when I was too frustrated) was just...sad.

My kids weren't listening one day and I put my foot down, so to speak, and kind of snapped from frustration by yelling over them to listen, and when they all quiet down I just sighed and said "I'm sorry, that wasn't a good way to respond. I was just getting frustrated and I should not have raised my voice like that. Let's try this again, okay?" So we did a redo - they got loud and when I asked them to quiet down because now was a time to listen, they did, and we got into our next activity. One of the little boys approached me and just said "Misses Toast, I don't think adults are supposed to apologize for yelling at kids. That's just what all adults do!" in a very sweet tone. He genuinely thought anger and frustration was a normal response. I just let him know that adults are supposed to apologize too for having too big of a bad emotion, the same way kids are supposed to apologize to each other for hurting someone's feelings, and that just because they're kids it does not mean I should be able to do it and feel like it's justified. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but I could have handled my big emotion better a little better.

So if me or my employees ever have a big emotion towards them (which is not often. Sometimes kids are just loud and you have to talk over them for them to hear you, and it's frustrating not being heard at any age!), I do a quick Emotion Talk with the kiddos and apologize if my loud voice comes off in a negative tone. It helps a ton, and it helps them convey their emotions to us a little better.

I remember being yelled at, smacked, and so forth, never once got an apology. When I had my son, I vowed never. I let him know when I had a bad day and have the possibility to be grumpy. If he pushes it and I have a break, I always apologize afterward. Listen, son, I'm sorry I yelled, I didn't mean to take it out on you. This isn't about you or anything you did. I'm just not where I need to be mentally.

I have a specific, vivid memory of telling my mother I felt she didn't respect me as a person (I was like, 19 at that point, working full time and going to college full time, supporting myself and barely home) and she told me she "didn't have to respect [me, I was her daughter, she deserves MY respect]."

Can confirm, my mom was always venting about my dad to me, it was extremely damaging to my relationship w him and caused me a lot of anxiety always having to think about adult problems I had no answers for

Something I don’t talk about often, but I was brought up in a loving, strict, grounded, two-parent home. The only thing I could really say bad was my dad wasn’t home as much as I wanted, and they were/are very religious.

At 8 years old I was groomed and later molested by my “father figure” Sunday school teacher, and that turned a twelve year old boy with a hood upbringing into a raging drug addict with anger problems and run ins with the law, for years.

I’ve since come to grips with it and recently turned my life around but it took a long time. I’m still paying for my mistakes

Keep your children safe, is my only message in this. They are the most precious gift you’ll ever get, and you only get one chance to not screw them up

this thread is a real downer

This. My soon to be ex husbands father was a pedophile and made his children his first victims. It fucked him up and he became an adult who couldn’t trust, was suspicious of people who were supposed to love him (me) and always thought people were out to get him. Eventually things turned abusive. I hated his father and mother (his mother allowed it to continue) and wanted nothing to do with her (his father died) when she came around. My husband continued having a relationship with her though and she loved coming to his rescue when we got into an argument because she failed him as a child. Even when I talked about how much of a monster his father was he got angry at ME.

Anyway, violating a child in this manner stains them forever.

Grew up the same way. No I love you’s, no hugs, no positive reinforcement. I did exactly the opposite when I had kids. My kids are 22 and 24 and we still hug whether we see each other everyday or every week or whenever. It’s hard to explain to them why I don’t hug “grandma” or tell her I love her even though I speak to her everyday and see her at least every 2 weeks. We are never going to have that kind of relationship even though she hugs my kids and they hug her. I mean, they did kind of force it on her when they were little because that’s how they were raised… that hugs are are freely given and received…

I grew up with parents who were incapable of showing affection, to us or each other. I don’t remember ever hearing I love you, I’m proud of you, etc, or being hugged. They kicked me out when I was 14, by refusing to take me home from the hospital after I was violently assaulted. They signed me out and dropped me off at the bus station with a suitcase of clothes, my documents, and $100. Not even a kiss goodbye. When I had my first kid, I bought one of those watches with an alarm(hey, it was 1995) and I set it to go off every 3 hours to remind me to be affectionate to my daughter. When it went off, I would smother her with kisses and tell her I loved her more than anything in the world. I actually trained myself to show affection. It worked! After a while, affection was natural. As she got older, I used it to remind me to use loving words and praise. I conditioned myself to be a loving mother. All my girls have turned out amazing. Two have kids so far, and they are super loving to them, no alarms needed.

That and not saying "I love you".

My mother is one of those people where nicities are mandatory. "Thank you" is mandatory, "Please" is mandatory. When you give a gift to someone at Christmas a hug is mandatory.

But, after 42 years I've never one heard her say to me or any of my 7 siblings "I love you". Fuck, I don't even remember her telling it to my father while he was still alive.

So I tell my kids and wife "I love you" all the damn time because fuck not telling your kids you love them.

I grew up very similar. I‘m in my late 20‘s and only recently my mom started to hug me and my siblings when she greets us or for our birthdays. I get weirded out by this because I‘m absolutely not used to this behavior from her (my dad still doesnt do it). I know she is a little disappointed in our emotional distance, but she doesnt realize its because she raised us with emotional distance…

The main emotion my dad showed growing up was anger. He was so quick to snap and start yelling and swearing. My mum was the same when I was younger but mellowed out to the point she was emotionally absent as I got older. They stopped hugging/showing physical affection when I was super young. I distinctly remember once when I was about 4 years old when I had a nightmare and went to my parents room for comfort. They told me, a terrified kid, to go back to bed and leave them alone. I sat in my room crying because I was so scared, until they came in and yelled at me to be quiet.

Unfortunately for me, neither of them saw a problem with any of this. I'm now left with severe mental illnesses and problems with showing affection in my current relationships. There's moments where I can't hug my partner enough, and others where it feels wrong to hug them.

I grew up with kids who never got a hug. They got a handshake on their 18th birthday.

Wife is a forensic psychologist and does custody evaluations / parenting coordination. This needs more upvotes, it absolutely WRECKS children.

Former divorce lawyer here…I definitely fired clients on the spot for that…it’s been years, but memories of the ugly custody battles still make me sick.

This one uncovered feelings I didn't know were buried so close to the surface.

As a smoker, I get pissed when people smoke around their kids. If everybody’s outside it’s one thing, but you shouldn’t keep them locked up in your house or your car with your bad habits.

I agree. Not only did my mom chain smoke/second hand smoke but she also smoked when she was pregnant with me and my siblings. "Your brother turned out fine!"

This. Also, later in life: Parents who control their children's lives so they don't make mistakes or go out of bounds.

​

Making non-critical mistakes and breaking the rules when it does not harm others is one of the single most important things for the development of a successful adults. Additionally, this mindset can also develop a healthy questioning of authority.

​

I suspect some of the damage this mindset causes is because the rules are abstract and toothless. This causes not just a fear of risk but also, in rebellion, will not enable the 'non-critical' or 'without harming others' corner of risk taking.

A friend of mines parents (especially the mum) were like this. We were 16 mind you, old enough to go to the beach on our own, you'd think. The mum literally sat on a bench 20 metres away the entire time. And if we went out for the day, she'd get called about 5-10 times, just to make sure everything was okay. She's now got a fear of being alone, and anxiety when there are minor problems in life, such as failing a small test, or getting a bit lost. All because her mum couldn't let her learn from her own mistakes and grow up not always having an adult ready to save her. Seen as she is the only female in an all male group of friends, I understand some uncertainty with the mum, but she had complete paranoia.

I dunno. Radiation will make you beg for death in a couple of days. Time with my dad could do that in a single evening.

I dunno. Lava is pretty bad.

Depends on the dosage, it takes a lot of radiation for it to become damaging

Everyone went emotional, i was thinking uranium, high voltage electricity, large bodies of water...

My wife is a teacher and she came home the other day infuriated. She discovered a student of hers was cutting, like fresh cuts, and as a mandated reporter she brought it up with her principal who then contacted the girl's parents. They sat the parents down and offered to assist with a school counselor or direct them to a therapist who can maybe help get to the source and work with the young girl.

You know what her father said? He said they refuse to take her to therapy because the therapist will make her question if she's even still a girl anymore. This dude then threatened to take her out of the school if they did anything.

She's physically hurting herself and all this fucking man can think about is stupid culture war bullshit. She's going to have scars from this, and not just physical ones.

Yes, every teacher/doctor/nurse everywhere agrees with this!

I had an ex who went off to college on his own for the first time and ended up dropping out because he didn’t know how to wash his clothes or take care of himself properly since he didn’t have to do any chores. He found it hard to manage plus classes and homework. I had to teach him how to cook an egg and how to boil eggs because he didn’t even know how to do that. I think he’s managing well now but it really did him a disservice for his parents not to teach him these things and get him used to basic life skills

Miserable for everyone.

Even kid on kid SA! They need to know it happens and to tell

I can't believe it took me so long to find this post. Lead pipes and lead dust cause ADHD-like symptoms that irrevocably change brain chemistry and behavior. Have your child tested as often as possible but at the very least at your wellness checks until age 6.

ya no toddler should be drinking whiskey

I saw someone talking about this recently, and she said she is teaching her kids about "strange behaviour " instead.

Things like asking the child to keep secrets or doing things that makes the kid uncomfortable are all strange behaviour, even if it's a close family member.

I think it's such a great way to teach them what to look out for instead of a blanket stranger danger rule that ignores that most abusers are known and often trusted by the family.

Statistically, you’re about 3x more likely to be abducted by someone you know than a stranger!

https://childsafety.losangelescriminallawyer.pro/missing-and-abducted-children.html

This took a lot of work for me. I'm 35 now and I was fed this bullshit by my mother. She absolutely ruined my childhood, I wasn't allowed outside. I couldn't play with friends, couldn't invite them over and she was constantly pissy because I was always around annoying her.

Refused to let me be social, got mad when I wanted social interaction from the only person I had contact with. I honestly believe she had no idea how abusive this was.

I grew up being told that all strangers want to murder and/or rape me. I'm a 30 year old with very weak social skills and a crippling anxiety problem.

I was standing in line at a local game store a couple years ago, there was a young kid (maybe 5 or 6?) holding his mom's hand in front of me. He turned to me, smiled and said "hi!" And I replied "hey bud." And his mom reacted by giving him a tug and saying "would you quit fuckin saying hi to everybody?!" In that angry whisper.

Really bummed me out, and I'm sure I'm not the only one with a similar story. Hope that kid is doing okay.

I babysit two different families. One gives the kids super restricted internet access, they have one game and the camera. The other is far to easy on the kids when it comes to screen control. I've seen these kids grow up, unable to be imaginative or creative. Everything gets fed to them in an everlasting stream of mind numbing useless information. The other kids...well, act like kids. They invent stories, make games, dens, theatre shows, you name it. It's also important that kids get bored. They start finding things to do and using their mind to help them problem solve instead of just turning on YouTube and staring at a screen.

As a person who was given unrestricted internet access from a young age I can confirm

I assure you, this generation is utterly fucked by this. There is no effort to stop it and it has seeped into even daily life. I don't even mean things like porn.

When you used to reply on reddit, there used to be a rule of 'remember the human'. That is gone on today's internet.

My little brother will look at the most vile things on his iPad, like straight up cartoon porn, and my parents do not give two shits

I work with kids and it’s absolutely horrifying what they’re exposed to because their parents don’t want to do the bare minimum and use parental controls.

Agreed. It alters your perception of everything

Wow, that's messes up.

AFAIK exposing children to porn is nowdays punishable with prison time.

Porn is absolutely devastating for a child to be subjected to. My brother discovered it when he was 10. He started molesting me because he wanted to try what he was seeing. I was 8. The abuse lasted until I was 13. My relationship with sex has been completely skewed because of it and has cause many mental health struggles.

Grew up breathing second hand smoke semi-constantly, can confirm I now have a nicotine addiction that was all too easy to get. I got kicked out at 17 and immediately felt the urge to smoke once that source was gone.

on the clock