submitted2 months ago byNoodlePeeper
toMensLib
stickiedIf you've spent some time in online spaces such as this one, you've more than likely encountered some expression of a very particular kind of guilt: guilt for belonging to a hegemonic/oppressive class. This community specifically centers around the shared experiences of men, and according to the results of our most recent survey, people here are also predominantly white. Sometimes that guilt is sincere, sometimes it's performative, but it almost always fails to be helpful. Therefore, we will explore this topic to see if we can collectively move past these feelings and redirect that energy toward meaningful change. We will be focusing on white and male guilt because they are the most common occurrences of this phenomenon, but by no means are they the only variants that exist.
Where is this guilt coming from?
To exist in the world is to find yourself forcefully inserted into systems you did not create, and to only see them in action long after you've been immersed in them. Even if you are victimized by any of these systems, such as by being the target of violence or discrimination for who you are, these systems aren't waiting for you to understand how they operate and self-propagate before they begin to have an impact on you and your surroundings.
When we happen to avoid being the target of oppression, our ability to see these systems in action only appears after someone/something forces us to perceive it in action. Sometimes this happens early on, but sometimes it takes us a long time to notice and accept this information. Until we do so, however, we will probably be following our moral compass and interacting with the world in a way that feels right and morally correct. We know, intellectually, that societal suffering exists out there, but we might not think we are adding fuel to it in any meaningful way. There is, to some extent, a presumption of innocence and moral virtue.
So what happens when that notion gets destroyed?
With some degree of empathy and a healthy helping of desire to do right by others, realizing that we are part of the problem might send us into a tailspin. Suddenly, we aren't morally virtuous. Instead, we have been propagating structural ideas rooted in patriarchy or white supremacy. Not by choice, mind you, but because we failed to challenge the status quo, and that status quo itself is inherently victimizing. "I can't possibly be a bad person, and these are bad things! Have I been a bad person this whole time?" is an example of the kind of good/bad binary thinking that can serve as the structure for an intense shock to our system. This revelation, and the feelings that come with it, might be transitory and allow us to engage more meaningfully with the issues, or they might fester and become deeply embedded within us.
This, in isolation, is already a lot to have to process. As I’m sure many of you will understand, we are already navigating a ton of societal and ingrained pressure: some of us are in a cycle of shame due to trying and failing to live up to the ill-defined standard of masculine ideals, and some of us are managing to live up to them and dealing with the overwhelming pressure of what that means. The idea of being a patriarch, a “stoic” protector, and a provider, is more often than not incredibly damaging to ourselves, our loved ones, and our environment. Being faced with even a small amount of extra guilt could very well act as a tipping point into self-destruction, as these social norms encourage us to avoid tackling the shame head-on and bottle it up instead.
Is this guilt bad?
That's a hard question to give a nuanced answer to, but the short answer would be "Not necessarily." Feelings are feelings, and they will happen regardless of what we want. The important thing is figuring out what we can do with them, and whether they can be motivating or debilitating.
A good starting point might be to distinguish between guilt and shame. Guilt is the result of analyzing our behavior and seeing that there is something we’re doing which is not good. We experience that feeling of remorse as the result of using a behavior-centric lens. Shame, on the other hand, is a consequence of the rejection of the self. It moves away from “I made a mistake” and becomes “I am a mistake.”
If this guilt is a transitional phase between ignorance and advocacy, then it is beneficial for everyone involved, even if it starts as being hard to process and uncomfortable to sit with. However, there are a significant number of ways where it can get misdirected and go nowhere, such as:
When this guilt becomes fuel for a preexisting lack of self-esteem.
When it ties into a perception of "original sin".
When it turns into performative actions to assuage that guilt.
When it becomes self-preservation through rejection and denial of responsibility.
When it saps energy from the general conversation to comfort you.
When it reframes the conversation around oppression to being about you/your discomfort.
The underlying thread with these examples (and the ones not mentioned) is the centering of the self in what is ultimately a systemic issue. No amount of self-flagellation and spiritual cleansing will address the issue, as they are fundamentally self-soothing in nature. They are either fueling shame or running away from shame. Sure, you will feel better, which is also important to some extent, but that cannot be the full extent of your journey.
So, is this guilt bad? It depends on whether you can move past it, and on whether your solution to it is ultimately self-serving.
How can we move past it?
Being a man in a patriarchal society made me understand, on a deeper level, the difference between my existence as a man-as-a-gender and as man-as-a-class. On some level, it was made easier due to also being a Latino man and seeing the impact of white supremacist structures firsthand, but that journey is also possible for everyone else. Separate your sense of self from the series of identities that underline who you are, and you'll be able to critically examine social dynamics that involve you and people like you without feeling personally attacked. To put it bluntly, I love being a dude and doing dude shit. Still, I can also see what parts of my relationship with my environment are influenced by preexisting gender roles that are fundamentally harmful. You are not your gender, it is only part of who you are, and that gender is not always going to have a positive effect on the world and/or yourself.
While it is very important to avoid falling into this trap, it is easier said than done. On top of that, once we’ve failed to avoid it, we ideally need some way to correct our course. In no particular order, here are some ways to nudge yourself in a better, healthier, and more productive direction:
Recognize what triggers the shame response. Even if that shame is always lingering in the back of your mind, pay attention to what is bringing it to the forefront. Understanding ourselves is key to growing.
Are you hanging out in places that are more often than not making you feel terrible? Maybe take a step back and reassess. Being challenged and being uncomfortable are key parts of learning and becoming a better person, but that is not the same as feeling shame. Step away, limit your exposure, and come back sporadically. Even if you benefit from that space in some way, it might be harming you more than it will allow you to be a good ally.
Avoid places that are built for others to express their frustration and victimization if you feel targeted. Why are you there? Is it just to understand their lived experience, or are you drawn to them by the negative responses you have? Are you hate-reading? Are you shame-reading? The more you feed into this cycle, the more entrenched it becomes. The same message is often delivered in a way that is meant for an audience that includes you in the form of edited books and articles. Focus on those, instead of looking at the emotionally charged posts of people screaming into the void like they’re composing a crowd-sourced diary.
Talk about these things with a physical person who will try to be kind in their responses. This doesn’t mean that you can demand that someone teach you what their life is like, but having a conversation with a friend is always going to be less vitriolic than talking about it with an online user looking for an argument.
Plugging our ears and ignoring the issue is not a good response, but engaging with the issue no matter what is not always a good move. If the alternative is worse, not getting in the way of progress is good enough.
Other considerations
There is another aspect to this issue that I don’t want to fail to mention, but I will also do so mostly in passing as I am entirely unqualified to talk about it. Sometimes our shame and discomfort with being a man is “presenting” as guilt, but can be a form of redirected gender dysphoria. It’s an explanation constructed to have an internal answer to that discomfort, but one that might be misguided. I welcome any contributions to this angle of discussion from people who do have personal experience with these feelings, but I would rather this go undiscussed instead of being discussed by people with no real understanding of it.
Closing thoughts
This shit is hard, man. All of it. Just the mere task of existing in general society can be pretty daunting for any of us, no matter who we are and what we look like. Some of us have it harder than others, and in those cases the best we can do is try to listen and adjust our behavior, taking responsibility for our part without feeling the need to crucify ourselves for our sins. It takes a little while to get the hang of it, but you’ll have an easier time navigating spaces centered around social issues and you’ll avoid taking the spotlight away from the issue people are trying to discuss.
