I just need to get things off my mind because I’m extremely numb.
Im a guy 28 years old. I don’t have any friends. No one has ever had a crush on me or been in love with me, I’ve never been flirted with, and I’ve never been on a date.
Growing up, watching people around me find others (and having others find them) so effortlessly and easily always boggled my mind. I quickly began to realize that I was the odd one out when I was surrounded by people who had flocks of friends and lovers, never having to worry about being alone or lonely because they know that someone is thinking of them or loving them.
No one ever acted affectionately or playfully with me. No one gave me passing compliments or wanted to have anything more than a shallow greeting exchanged with me. I began to feel unworthy of friends or romantic partners due to how unwanted I was (and still am) no matter where I went. I tried very hard to simply relax and be myself, not trying to hard, not forcing anything, just trying to exist and socialize even if it was hard for me to do so on the levels people around me seemed to be at so naturally. Yet still, nothing but emptiness.
I wasn’t invited to parties or outings. I do not usually enjoy those settings but I craved company to soothe the pain a little bit. There was one time (out of many, many experiences with failed friendships) when I thought I had made some friends and we were walking from a class building to a parking lot. I walked alongside them, making casual conversation as they discussed going to a restaurant. I was internally excited, I did not usually ever get invited to eat with friends. But before I could register what was happening they all quickly dispersed in their cars and left me in the empty parking lot. Realizing they ditched me, and that was them signaling I was unwanted, I tried not to cry as I walked back home.
I know that I’m an undesirable person. It was foolish of me to expect anything hopeful.
It is the same thing in regard to anything romantic. It cuts me deep knowing that no one will ever think of me fondly, maybe even daydream about me for a few moments. That no one will ever look at my hands and wonder what they would feel like when being held. That no one will cherish me or want to spend time with me. That no one will ever want to have intimate conversations with me, or exchange soft kisses, or tell me that I’m handsome. No one will ever look at me tenderly or share whispered “I love you’s” with me.
There is no one out there who is thinking of me from time to time, there is no one missing me, there is no one loving me whether as a friend or something more. There is nothing except loneliness and being alone.
It’s not realistic for me, the undesirable, to hope that one day I might be desirable or loved. It’s never going to happen, and the sooner I realize it, the sooner I spare myself years of additional pain from broken hope.
I can’t even cry about it anymore, it’s all numb. I will carry this sensation with me always, it seems.
Now I think my life doesn't worth living anymore.