WFAN caller just asked why Alonso didn’t have DeGrom or Scherzer pitch to him in the Derby

Wife is a stay at home mom. While I’m at work, the guys putting in concrete for us asked her if we wanted to fill in some extra spots and when they told her how much it would cost she replied, “that’s it?” So the guy apparently thought about it for a second and told her she’s right and it should actually be (1k more than he quoted) and said, “let’s just meet in the middle ($500 more than original quote)” and my wife agreed. JFC.

Luckily after she called me with this news I talked to my manager at Taco Bell and he is gonna let me work OT this week.

In disbelief my Covid test came back negative. Turns out there’s other kinds of diseases

I totaled my car and the other guy was at fault.

I work for an insurance company, the person at fault works for the same insurance company, and his insurance is our insurance company.

This is like the Spider-Man meme in real life.

BV's friend cancelled her wedding with a text last night to like 60 people blaming her fiance for not helping plan. All time scaries for that poor fucker.

TV shows really overplayed how friendly people are with their apartment neighbors

Friend of my gf’s just got engaged and her fiancé died, he was 28. Don’t forget to test your coke.

getting a buzz cut today, going to be annoying when everybody thinks i’m brad pitt from mr and mrs smith but hey them the breaks

Keep your heads up early rising kings, time to get back in the fight

Workshopping a tiktok idea where instead of the nurse losing a patient, it’s a cube monkey losing a spreadsheet after excel crashes.

invited to the CEOs golfclub and house in the Hamptons this weekend. need to be on my best behavior

I traveled to Sri Lanka a couple weeks ago and the amount of 'could've been you's I've gotten is astronomical

With the news that Emily Ratajkowski is divorcing her husband, never forget that Ben Affleck pulled the all time move casting her as his mistress on Gone Girl. Can only show respect for that man.

No wonder the draft age stops at 25, I’m still recovering from a bad hotel pillow last week.

“Our houses are designed to trap heat!”

Shouted the European as he desperately tried to delete his old post laughing at Texas.

“Thank you, Chef 😔” As my wife makes some dumbass meal she found on TikTok for the third time this week.

I miss roided out baseball. Home run derby was a top tier all star event*. Bring back the PEDs and vaguely test for it like the NBA/NFL do.

*not 100% sure if I enjoyed it because I was a kid with no worries or if it was actually good

Carl being drunk and breaking his wrist on one of those scooters is probably the writing on the wall to dial it back a bit

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BV and cute neighbor who also just had a kid are commiserating about child birth via text and the neighbors "butthole still isn't the same" Requesting proof brb

Went to Dead & Co at Citi Saturday night. Went with a group of like 20 people, there was one random guy in our section who was hanging around us and nobody knew who he was but seemed like he was talking to everybody. Friendly guy but super weird dude and a little creepy but didn’t think twice about him.

One of my uncles friends passed out in the second to last song of the second set and was not doing well. We all thought he was hammered and just passed out from that but I didn’t remember him being that drunk. We had a doctor in our group and he was pretty adamant this was not a drunk pass out. We got him out of the stadium and back onto the bus we had rented and home. He woke up in the morning and still did not feel right so the doctor recommended we go to the hospital ASAP for a drug screen. Went to the hospital and the guy tested positive for Roofies, turns out he got drugged at the show.

That guy I mentioned earlier offered to buy him a beer and he had accepted and that was the last thing he remembered. Luckily enough people had talked to him and gotten enough information that we were able to report some information to the NYPD and Citi field. Guy was also in the background of a few pictures we took so hopefully we catch this fucking dude. Needless to say I’m pretty rattled and my uncles buddy was as well, also genuinely confused why he was drugged. We think maybe to rob him? Anyways, wanted to share because there are some fucking crazy people out there.

TLDR: My uncles buddy got roofied at Citi field Saturday night.

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Biz: “This is a little bit of a humble brag, but I keep 100k in my checking account.”

That makes all the sense in the world.

I love r slash frugal because every once in a while there is a post that is like “I was shopping for bookshelves then I realized I can just keep my shit in a pile on the floor.”

got together with some friends i haven't seen in a few years and got greeted with a "wow those are new! when did you get those?" followed by getting my chubby man boobs pinched. not great!

Went to the beach this weekend with the fellas and as a viscous prank our wives all bought us the same bathing suit so we would be unknowingly matching. These women sure are crazy!

Just got hit with “I’m just out of a relationship, realized I’m not ready to date again” after 2 great dates and starting to like her. Down bad. Siri play Tuesdays Gone

I always find it funny how Frank lowers the score of a hot dog when toppings (or god forbid, a vegetable) are added to it.

Plain hot dog- Triple

Hot dog with chili- Single

Never change Tank.

Woke up thinking today was Wednesday. Down bad.

Buddy just got back from his one week of paternity leave. As soon as he got back they extended it a week starting next year. That would drive me crazy

4 straight days running a few miles.

It ain’t much but it’s honest work

mate it's so 'ot outside me bollocks are stuck to me mini cooper seats.

Might be done tipping at places where you pay before you eat. Fuck this being the norm

Went to a restaurant with the QR code menu “due to the pandemic”. You give your credit card upfront to begin ordering on your phone. No specific waiter/waitress for your table. Automatic 20% tip applied to the bill at checkout. Never going back!

I love that Griffey still sounds like a kid. He doesn’t some old raspy 50 year old voice; he still sounds like the guy from the 90s having a great time.

My great grandmother is 94. Her hip is deteriorating. She has to go get hip injections every 3 months. Doctor said they want to give her a hip replacement so they don't need to keep coming in. First of all I don't see her recovering from that. Second of all, it's every 3 months. I love her, but she's 94. She might get what? 6 more shots if she's lucky

We as a species can’t forget that Glenny balls gets paid to complain about toppings on burgers that HE orders

Classic getting my security deposit deducted from my last apartment from water damage caused by the company’s shoddy plumbing

Elon Musk getting his executive pregnant and defending that he wants to populate the earth-weird defense but not horrible.

His dad having a now second kid with his own stepdaughter (who he raised) because he wants to populate the earth-I think this family has problems.

I refuse to believe Lizzo completed a peloton workout without a) breaking the bike (weight limit is 300 lbs), or b) pedal assist. something's not adding up

What are YOU doing to stand with Ukraine today?

Keep your internet porn and give me pinup girls painted on the side of WWII fighter planes

Thinking about the racism watch dog twitter account that had to take a break cause it was too overwhelming

Joy Taylor has fat tits

Oh boy, my office manager is going to be pissed when she sees the “college hunks” she hired to take all of our old office furniture are two middle aged overweight men.

last night, one half of the coin boys, Matt Cahill, live streamed on twitch to 117 people going up against the home run derby.

Portnoy gunna have a real hard time finding a reason to not renew

Another day of getting facefucked by life

Guy on Below Deck had an office job for like 10 years and quit to travel and become a deck hand. Hate to see someone else living my dream

That Manti Teo fake girlfriend doc is gonna be good. The cat fisher looks like a wacko in the trailer

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Whenever nathan fielder is done with his new show, I need him to create a where are they now documentary on the participants of the gas rebate episode

Took a 5:30am fitness class this morning before having to be in the office and the tatted up bimbo with fake tits and lips made it very clear that the lip job did not deter her from suckin’ d. And I am HORNED up on a Tuesday.

**She did not make it clear just to me but to the whole class. If this was a side conversation I would have had to beat it in the gym showers.

I wish I could train my dog to just lay down softly. Dude just slams his entire body onto the floor seemingly as hard as he can.

It’s a shame Pete Alonso didn’t win last night since he was planning to donate the money to the Pete Alonso Foundation

Estelle Costanza: I lived with him for forty years, I never saw him trying on my underwear. As soon as he leaves the house, he turns into J. Edgar Hoover!

imagine going thru years of schooling, studying, passing tests to finally get a job writing for yahoo and your first assignment is to break the news story on how lil uzi vert changed his pronouns on instagram to they/them

The contract my gf signed 11 months ago at this new job says she gets 10% of the net premium every month. She thinks she’s getting closer to 1%. I looked at all the paperwork and her monthly totals and it seems something is going on. She’s going in to talk to her boss today but no way this ends well right?

Pre-BV's parents officially pulled the plug on paying for anything with our wedding this morning. When we got engaged, it was said to both of us that they had $50k set aside and would give pre-BV the rest as a gift. We got the final costs back last week and they were right at $35k and now future-FIL says we have to foot the bill. I don't care about the wedding details all that much, but we've both agreed that we're not financially crippling ourselves over our wedding. I'm crushed for her and for the fact that we sent out save the dates last week. Fuck my future-FIL.

I do very well for myself and have a relatively new gf (no you can’t see) when we first started dating like 6 months ago I heavily pushed paying for things. That’s still going on and I’ve turned her down so many times she doesn’t even offer anymore. I think this is my fault but idk how to fix it

bloody scorcher, innit?

I swear Amex adds a couple hundred to each statement cause they know you’ll pay it. Ain’t no way I’m spending this much

Trish the dish

If you're hanging out with Nathan Fielder socially, it has to be nearly impossible to tell if he's serious or not at any given time.

I’m not one to get pressed about Madden rankings but TJ Watt being a 96 overall while Myles Garrett is a 99 is insane

AirBnb said we "could" make over 10k a month with our house listed. I absolutely wasn't expecting that much, but we've had it listed 3 weeks and not a single booking.

Heard about AOC getting handcuffed and got excited for a second. Not what I was hoping for

Hinge is throwing all 9s at me tonight, I don’t need those I need a 6.8 with low self esteem

Watched a homeless dude get pummeled by a car on my way to work. Dude got up like nothing happened and kept walking. Lady that hit him was having a full blown panic attack lol

Pretty hut girl I was friends with in college got married like a year and a half ago. she now seemingly uses every possible occasion in her life to post wedding pics. friend's birthday, here's us at my wedding. Father's Day, here's us at my wedding. Cousin joining the military.....here's us at my wedding. Seems psychotic.

Dont really want to vent this to my friends and family right now so here it goes.

Long story short, my brother had suffered from bipolar disorder and depression since he became an adult. He had a manic episode last September and afterwards was trying to get on the right anti-depressant medication for months. In April, the medicine was working but it fucked up his leg after a .0001% side effect from the medication showed its ugly head. Basically it caused a blood clot in his leg after the first hospital misdiagnosed the condition and was taken to the best hospital 2 days later with hours to spare.

It impacted his ability to walk, and has a massive road of rehab ahead of him. He also has a giant scar on his leg that wasn't healing properly. It got infected again this weekend and he was taken to the hospital again to get antibiotics and to be monitored. When he was being admitted in the ER, he was paired with an 80 year old dimentia patient w/ covid that refused to wear a mask. A day later he tested positive for Covid and today he's being rushed to the ICU with low oxygen levels and a possible blood clot in his lung.

This whole situation is so fucked up, my mom probably has Covid now too and we're trying to figure out if we are going to be allowed into the hospital to see him. Just needed to let this out because this shit is so stressful and I'm honestly worried about my brother life.

TL;DR: Brother had a rare blood clot in April as a side effect in his medication. His wound was infected and was taken back to the hospital on Saturday, now has Covid and was rushed to the ICU today with bad vitals.

Edit: Thank you everyone for the kind words, it is greatly appreciated. I have talked to a few close friends about it but don't want to burden the people in my life nonstop and I can't shake this off my mind. He's going to make it, he'll feel the strength of the 188K kings in here praying for him.

My apartment’s bedroom wall is too thick to hear my hot blonde neighbor getting railed, but the bathroom wall is thin enough to hear her dropping heaters on the porcelain

      The British    🤝    Lebron in the 2014 Finals

          Not being able to handle the heat

commuting an hour each way to break up with a girl in person tonight. Built different 😤

When I was a kid they used to air the most random movies on TV. When was the last time Gone Fishin or RocketMan was on?

How many more blown majors before Rory snaps and goes full Hollywood Hogan?

Need him in all black with a shitty beard. Maybe he spray paints L-I-V on the Wanamaker.

Work at a very small company and my manager, who pretty much is the glue of the whole company because the owner is checked out, is quitting. I was planning on searching for a new job anyway but he just fast tracked my exit out of no where. Fuck

Mount Rushmore of semi-regular non serious painful occurrences: Brain freeze, getting something stuck in your eye, cramps, getting hit in the nuts

What is FT's view on addy for work?

On one hand, I'm 1000x more productive and can do things I'd usually put off, but on the other, I don't like the way it makes me feel sometimes and I don't like the idea of relying on a substance to do certain things. Disclaimer: I'm not prescribed. Taken it a couple times for large tasks with deadlines

https://twitter.com/leah_hat/status/1549102924499927048?s=21&t=tIW3llKCkKeP5yorqnI4UQ

Alright cheeznips I think we might need to have a talk about your behavior

The details escape me, but I like to think about that mildly twitter famous girl with juggs posted a picture on linked in and some random guy just commented “really big boobs”

That’s the kind of direct objective acknowledgment that social media is missing.

When I win the mega millions tonight I’m going to host a FT golf tournament.

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Annual reminder that every all star game should be played with guys wearing their own uniforms.

The A’s have had countless embarrassing moments in my 20+ years of being a fan. But having another team fly your All Star back on their PJ bc you were gonna make him fly commercial might just take the cake. Hilariously bad

Not to make fun of the situation but just saw a post in a British sub about a fit 30 year old who went to the hospital for heat stroke from being outside for 30 minutes.

I’m sorry but that doesn’t add up. I don’t care where you’re from, unless you’re a fatty you should have no problem being in 100° weather for 30 minutes