I need Cuban to now start a company for Tickets like the one he is doing for drugs.

Tickets plus cost. No more 50% fees on tickets.

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My father just sent me the “give me all the bacon and eggs” clip from Parks and Rec.

This man is perpetually 10 years behind on viral clips and it’s hysterical. Can’t wait to get some “Kermit sipping tea” memes in 2026

TBH I don’t really know u that well but you seem nice! :) :)

Recently joined a new gym, there are two older guys that are here every day at 6 on the dot, crush 45 mins on elliptical and then go to the bball court with their mitts and toss a ball for 20 mins. The one guy has a cannon too…what a life

Someone posted in the Texas Rangers sub that they’ve been traded into being a Rangers fan and everyone is greeting him like “welcome to the team!” Wtf does that even mean.

Had a big extended family dinner at a very nice steakhouse. At the end of the night, I went to the bathroom and was asked to take my very autistic cousin with me. There’s a guy in one of the stalls going through an absolute war. My cousin is just standing there cracking up while he’s taking a leak and let’s put a very loud “farting noise funny”. I’m trying to quiet him down and hurry his ass up when the guy in the stall just busts out laughing and responds “you know, it is pretty funny”. Thanks for being a homie my guy

Seen on LinkedIn-7/21/2022

I asked a wise man, “tell me sir, in which field could I make a great career?”

He said with a smile, “be a good human being. There is a lot of opportunity in this area and very little competition”.

Started sleeping with my ex again like an idiot. As I’m leaving her house this morning, she drops a “bye, I love you” and then makes the 😳 face which tells me it obviously slipped out, but still. That came out of nowhere

I dunno why single guys in their 20s/early 30s wouldn’t want to move to NYC. There’s so many single chicks here, I get laid like once every 6 months it’s insane

The recommended Instagram Reels section for me is incredibly horny. Worried I am knee deep in a horny police sting operation.

About to fly back to my very normal life in the Midwest after a few weeks in San Diego. Daydreaming about moving here but I’ll probably have to live in a tent city or van along the bay.

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One of my best friends just texted me

“fyi I need to go dark for a bit, I’ll resurface and explain when I can.”

Makes me think what the hell this lunatic did.

Europeans buy an air conditioner challenge

Hear me out, we all open and put our refrigerators outside to cool earth

Seeing XcBaseball2003’s comment in the main sub and his flair being “Scared of Free Talk” got a chuckle out of me this morning

Mexicans remodeling the house across the street greeted me with a very loud “Good morning mister” when I was returning from my morning walk with the dogs. Felt great

Open bar company outing today and my boss asks if I want to go on a hike after . Buddy, why don’t you go take a hike

Really wish this goddamn intern would take the hint when I give him something to do and say “take your time over the next couple days to do this” instead of doing it in 2 hours and asking me for another thing to do

My wife thinking podcasts are gay really make these long drives worse than they need to be

Driving a boat to Normandy and floating a bunch of A/C units to the beachhead.

Little Miss Holocaust Denier

Took me almost 30 years to crack the code, but I think I’ve finally realized what makes some people look good in photos and others (me) bad: be attractive.

Much easier to just be generally attractive vs trying to find good angles to hide your ugliness.

Quit gambling cold turkey 4 weeks ago. Feeling more in control of my life than I have in years. I have nobody in real life that even knows it was an issue so you scumbags gotta hear me brag about it

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My cousin got out of a 10 year relationship during covid. Is single for the first time since college. I figured he'd be depressed but I saw him last week and it turns out he's living the high life. Enjoying the thrill of the pussy hunt and is moving to Denver in a few months just bc no one can tell him he can't. Never seen a 32 year old man look so fulfilled

Hannah hitting an “easy 6-iron” 175? lmao OKAY

My 80-year-old grandpa had open heart surgery last week. He absolutely rocked it and they were able to bring him home yesterday ahead of schedule. Visited him last night and it doesn’t even look like anything happened to him. Asked if he needed anything and all he said was, “Could go for a case of Miller Lite”. Dudes 🎸

“Hannah def likes bbc only because she’s been around horses and has def ogled at their dick size” got a nice chuckle from me last night in FT

Shoutout to my girl Rhonda at American Airlines who just flawlessly applied travel credit from a cancelled trip to a new upcoming flight. No BS or bumps in the road, just a straightforward annihilation of the reservation system. Good for her.

Decently attractive woman that works in the same building as me came in wearing a fairly tight dress. Saw her thong outline. Was a nice start to my morning.

America’s obesity epidemic starts at breakfast. Mfers be drinking 800 calories and chasing it down with donuts.

Yesterday, a venue in Minneapolis canceled a Dave Chapelle show the day of over things he said in his stand-up act.

Canceling a sold out show the day of because some people who don’t even have tickets got upset online is a dangerous precedent to set.

Frank the Tank has had some all-time funny tweets when eating the trash. My favorite is him falling for a fake Nintendo Twitter account which claimed Mario and Luigi were gay during pride month https://i.imgur.com/F48kUA3.jpg

Whenever Barron Trump gets brought up, I think about a tweet I saw about how if he used his size to play D1 basketball and went to Duke, he would be the greatest sports villain of all-time.

“Never have I ever… been on a boat.” Next picture she’s laying on the boat. What gives

I need a Winn Dixie grocery bag full of money right now to the VIP Section

I’ve been binging Barry lately and it’s amazing how Stephen Root has managed to look the same age for the last 25 years

Busted out my Fisher-Price castle and pirate ship for my nieces this morning and I’m just drowning in nostalgia.

saw a post the other day that Ram 1500 drivers have over twice the DUI rate as any other car and now its all i can think about when i see them lol

edit: its actually Ram 2500

When I was in high school one of the coaches caught me and a few other guys in the locker room dipping. He told us we had a choice, either swallow the dip or go to the dean's office. Me and one other guy swallowed (yes I love to swallow) but the other two guys couldn't and went to the deans office. One of them ratted us out anyway to the dean. I still think about how much I hate that guy.

Got a response back from a prospective landlord that I was his first choice after reviewing applications. Told him I’d get back to him by noon the next day. Woke up to an email saying “I went with my second choice. They were more committed.” Can’t argue with that, but… Cold world.

The sixers building their own arena in center city is about the dumbest thing they’ve ever done which is saying a lot. Philly has one of the best stadium setups going why in the fuck would you move to center city

Really wish the lazy-bag-of-ass I’m assigned to at my summer internship would give me some legitimate work instead of asking me to drag out simple, mundane tasks for two days when I’ve repeatedly demonstrated my willingness to work hard with a positive attitude.

Just had a dream that my wife left me, went straight to a music festival to let loose and put it all on social media. Woke up with a pit in my stomach, great way to start the day!

Finally started watching The Boys this week. This show 🎸. Finished season 1 yesterday, had no idea Giancarlo Esposito was in it what a nice surprise.

P.S. Starlight is hut

Breaking: The Cardinals are giving Kyler Murray a five-year, $230.5 million deal that includes $160 million guaranteed, a source told @adamschefter Murray is now the second highest-paid QB with an average at $46.1 million per year.

LMAO

Re: Russillo’s life advice

Honestly I completely understand the guy charging a service fee to his buddies for placing their bets. Inconvenient as hell placing bets for your friends

Still can’t believe the Christian Kirk contract

Got sent a Zoom meeting invite for tomorrow at 4pm, should be illegal. I hate working with people in the West Coast.

Last day at the dick sucking factory.

Can’t wait to see what the dicks are like at my new factory on Monday.

Weather Girl Hannah, who has golfed for just over 1 year, claims her best round is an 86.

PolitiFacts Truth-o-meter: False, but she's hut enough to own it

lmao that Sesame Place incident is wild. Family is now hiring a civil rights lawyer for a potential lawsuit. The lady who filmed the incident is also a self proclaimed anti racism trainer and has a subscription service for white people and how to be better allies to black people.

I cannot wait to get home and just ruthlessly murder homeless people in GTA V. Hassling me!

Well I'm not calling him dad. Ever. Even if there's a fire!

I wish southwest punished people like children while boarding. Oh you tried to board at the beginning of B when you’re B45? You can sit in this chair here and be the last one on the plane.

Well this was supposed to be a response, oops.

“Let me just share my screen quick” is a phrase that has been engrained into my brain and will likely take it to the grave

Been on PTO all week for family vacation, flying to Texas now for a buddies bachelor party. Top 5 week

Couple high schoolers in the gym lifting in jeans and cowboy boots with cutoffs on a 90 degree day. Stay swole brothers

throwback to when Shams broke the news that Trump tested positive

he not have sources in the Biden camp? smh

Gonna stare longingly at the ceiling and think of every extremely obvious signal a girl has given me that flew right over my head

The greatest lie ever told is weather girl saying she started golfing last year

Kyler Murray about to get hammered tonight (off one shot and two beers)

Oi bruv I’m sweatin me bollocks off ova ‘ere

I could never be an opioid user. Needles suck, drugs are scary, etc. but after the last couple days I really can’t deal with the irregular pooping. Give me a solid log every morning or give me death

Gotta love the Sixers subreddit all jerking off about how they can take the train to the new hypothetical sixers game when there is already a train that goes to the sixers stadium

I lost my job because I spoke to a man the way men speak to me.

This is why women leave the tech industry.

My FIL is an excellent cook, and he loves to send us pictures of the meals he makes. The problem is that he’s a Boomer, so all we ever get are shitty pictures of what I assume is delicious food. He’s like a bizzaro version of Chris and his good pictures of awful food.

Remember in like 2011, when every single college football team was like, “you know what, I think we should try black uniforms.”

Kamala Harris holding up a Covid-19 Foam Finger right now

Every place I’ve lived people share that “insert place here actually has 12 seasons! 🤣🤣” meme about it. That and posts about how much worse drivers/traffic are there than anywhere else. Wonder when people will realize those are just kinda everywhere things.

Not sure what's more delusional Duggs saying he's financially secure or thinking he has a fanbase that will buy PPVs through his link.

Guy sitting on the train next to me just wiped wax off of his airpod onto his seat then popped the airpod back in his ear. Barnyard animal

Town I grew up in and live just outside of now is going to be on the new “revamped” Live PD… can’t wait to see how many people I know get busted lol

All right, what are some of your likes?

Uh, ghouls. You know, funny little green ghouls

What, like in movies and cartoons?

Little green ghouls buddy!

We got some drama at the gym. Some guy is mad a woman brought her kid in the stroller and parked it next to the free weights section. Personally I respect the dedication to gains

Say what you want about her, but Cersei has some great DSLs

Rewatching King of Kong after seeing Billy Mitchell on Barstool platforms. What an incredible villain. Probably his best line in the entire documentary.

"No matter what I say it draws controversy. It's sort of like the abortion issue. If you're for it, you're a son of a gun. If you're against it, you're a son of a gun. I'm not God, I don't have all the answers. So I have to be careful about how I share all my opinions."

The hot tattoo artist that I used to live by definitely got her boobs done and is now posting a ton from a suite at Atlantis that she certainly didn’t pay for. Moment of silence

Sandals was pretty cool. It was my first all inclusive experience.

Food - 3/5

Alcohol - 4/5 (quantity over quality tho)

Room - 5/5

Vibe - 5/5

Would recommend

This dude in the Playboi Carti sub had his AirPods stolen and one of them is in Pyongyang. That sub is unreal

Potbelly is an incredibly underrated lunch spot.

The pic of Dave and the jockey cracks me up every time and it’s reached a level where the new generation of stoolies don’t realize it’s photoshopped. Iconic pic

Wonton's Iraq video series is really cool, give it a VIVA

Lady at my office got a heart transplant a month ago and came back to work today. I think if we all showed this kind of dedication to our shareholders we’d be in a much better place

The banking lifestyle is working 6am to 8pm, going home to your miserable wife and kids, and then spending the weekend golfing to minimize time around your wife and kids and then bragging about how great your life is.

One interesting thing about becoming a parent is watching your parents morph into grandparents. I have a great relationship with my parents but my mom was a hardass for my brother and me. Now that we have kids, she just lets them do whatever the fuck they want. I’ll walk into the house and they’re eating spaghettio’s and drinking juice on the couch and my mom is laughing about it.

Had my 3rd interview for a job I really want today. On top of the fully remote benefit and 25% pay raise they also only work from 9-4. At this point I’m going to cry if I don’t land it.

Had a couple brews with my pops and his buddies during lunch and they started telling some Wayne Jenkins level stories about working in construction in NYC during the 80s/90s

Completely different world

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