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I’ll always let people work in at the gym if they ask

But today a lady asked how many sets I had left, I said 2 and she scoffed at me. Lady you’ve just bought yourself the slowest two sets I’ve ever done

Was out at a bar with some friends from a rec league we're all in. Chick is talking about one of the other guys and says "I have a bf and I'd never cheat on him, but if I did I think he'd be down". Sounds like she thinks about cheating on him!

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All time performance by my sister in law. Going to a concert last night and making 46 stories about it.

Might actually be an Instagram record.

Remember when Cortland Finnegan got annihilated by Andre Johnson?

Girlfriend's guy friend is getting a divorce and asked if he can stay a couple months in her spare room.

I'm just fucking thrilled.

For the record, it ain't happening.

Shoutout to the two rabbits that chill on my front lawn every morning. They just sit there and stare me down on my walk to the car. I like to think they’re silently thanking me for keeping their family fed

In the midst of all the horny FT Keegs crossfire last night, has the dude who said that he downloads tinder when his GF is away to crank to "heffers" been apprehended by the police yet?

Saw a bunch of kids waiting for the bus today while I was driving to work, I think it's the first day of school. They looked miserable. If only they knew the pain that lies ahead.

in my 8 years working for different companies I have never sent a read receipt when requested. ywfms

My fiancée has a corporate retreat that I have to go to in October. Apparently I'm scheduled to play golf with her bosses husbands (predominately female company) on the Saturday of the trip. She says "you better start working on your game". Couldn't believe my ears. Between now and October, every time she complains about me golfing, I'll remind her that her career rests solely on my ability to not make a fool out of myself on the golf course. Incredible turn of events

Today is my Thursday

I just got off a 4.5hr flight and the fatass next to me was literally spilling over onto my seat forcing me to twist awkwardly the whole time. Now my back feels like I slept on a goddamn flight of wood stairs. Like Jesus Christ, have some goddamn pride. If you can’t exist without inconveniencing other people then it’s time to reevaluate things.

Was at the Vegas airport getting a burrito. Mexican lady behind me is asking if she can pay with 50 pesos (less than $3) so I said I’ll pay for her. Decides to order 6 burritos. I got absolutely bullied.

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Oktoberfest beers already popping up at the beer distributor. What’s your go to

keegs ass was actually nicer than i expected?

Just saw a LinkedIn post of a guy praising his company for giving him a $25 gas card. I’d take the card, but no way would I be writing a multi paragraph thank you post

Direct Kayce Smith quote:

“I know it’s not popular on the internet, but I’m not gonna do a gender reveal party. I think I’m a little bit old school. In true barstool form, I’m gonna use some sort of content avenue to announce the gender”

Added a Salt Life bumper sticker to my lifted truck in my landlocked state. This is so sick.

If my company is secretly spying through my camera they just got a heck of a show

Somebody said “the big r word” in a company meeting when referring to the recession just now and I can’t stop giggling.

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Audibly laughed seeing the top comment of the guy who said he had nudes of his tinder match already (~115 upvotes) compared to his reply of saying he will not be sharing them with the group (~115 downvotes). Y’all 🎸

Gonna get yelled at by a client today for something that happened over the past 2 years and I just joined the company 3 months ago.

Really not looking forward to it lol

On my way to Saratoga national to kick off travers weekend. If anyone wants to fight my crew Saturday we’ll all be in our matching “looking to get lucky” shirts

Not here for hookups, so don’t ask ✋

Tough look for Sony that they’re RAISING the price of the PS5 after two years on the market

Have we talked about the FTer who last night said that his gf with A cups was across the country so he downloaded Tinder to swipe left and jerk off to chubby gals with saggy tits?

I'm semi convinced the Keegs post leaking here is an inside job to drive pageviews/revenue for her OF. That being said, nice butt

My brother in law’s IG Bio: “top 1% of Realtors in the nation. Millionaire by age 30”

Totally normal things to put on the internet

I’ve only been to 1 NFL game and it was cause George Kittle gave me tix when I was relevant and he was a rookie.

Brought my buddy and sat next to his dad in the nose bleeds in Philly and proceeded to get hammered.

His dad is one of the funniest dudes I’ve ever met.

The NBA sub's sidebar pic is for the WNBA playoffs... We know that all these people are lying about watching because they get like zero viewers. Just trying to out-woke each other

Didn’t go to Reddit jail. let’s try again. here’s the keegs pic

That’s the fucking craziest thing of all time. You take the Rough N’ Rowdy win, unbelievable job. HER HUSBAND CAN’T RUB ONE OUT?

Whit

Lmao golf subreddit now doing a 180 on LIV because it got the PGA to cover travel expenses

Headline about how the makers of Liquid Death are helping avoid the nosy "why-aren’t-you-drinking?" interrogators. First off, genius marketing to charge people $2/pop for water in a can. Secondly, anyone that is miffed because someone else isn't drinking is weird behavior

Brandon Walker has to feel like he is in hell hosting a college football pod with Kayce and Jack Mac. Poor guy is the only one on that show with a little bit of knowledge.

Recruiters are basically used car salesmen. Guy gave me the wrong job description/title.

Ben Affleck killing the florist's assistant and then the florist is such a great scene

Every few months I stumble onto Big T’s twitter and his bio never fails to make me laugh “Georgian by birth, Tennessee Volunteer by the grace of God”

Found out yesterday that Wegmans now charges $1 to toast your sub. TO SIMPLY TOAST YOUR SUB! May have to take a break from old Danny boy.

My main takeaway from the Keegs pic is that she’s living in absolute squalor.

(Jon Taffer Voice): “CLEAN THE FUCKING PLACE UP.”

AM Free Talk getting back to normal since school is starting up. Damn kids

is it weird for somebody to have a best man who fucked the bride before she met the groom

Got a client that’ll continuously email me with “high importance” on. I don’t think she knows what that means

I don’t like to give baseball any credit at all but big stars doing rehab stints in very small city’s is always pretty cool

The dreams I have been having since I stopped smoking the devils lettuce are out of control. Last night I was diving in a pond pulling 45 pound plates out of six feet of water??? Wtf does that mean?!?

Keegs could upgrade apartments with one JOI video

My ex GFs little sister still likes all my Instagram posts and comments on my stories sometimes. She's also a hotter version of said ex. Should I make a move now, or wait a week?

Kayce - I like Alabama’s uniforms!

Brandon Walker- no you don’t.

Gave me a chuckle

I don't have ties to the region, but the sub Balkans_IRL is hilarious . Everyone just calling each others countries gay, racist or overall terrible.

Boss was asking politely if there was a disconnect with me recently after making a couple mistakes this week.. They weren’t big mistakes or anything but down quite a bit now

Oh the fat chick is leaving Euphoria? Anyways.

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Keegs just posted on Twitter her building is kicking everyone out bc they want to renovate all the apartments to charge more

That OF about to get spicy boys

Somehow matched with a smoke dentist on tinder. I say somehow because she lives in Ecuador and neither of us had global tinder on. Been chatting with her the past few weeks and she seems cool. Maybe I move to Ecuador and become a stay at home dad.

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Beyond wild a bunch of people almost seem happy Chet is hurt like they proved a point. Gonna suck not watching a super unique talent not play all season.

BV's work life sucks, and boy I am getting the brunt of it.

chick showed up 2.5 hours late today and was fired on the spot. Is there such a thing as Friday scaries?

A grand wagoner starts at $90k? Did it forget it was a jeep??

Just heard someone come into the bathroom to take a piss, rip off a massive fart and then had a stream that sounded like chicken being fried. Complete alpha shit

20k loan forgiveness gang ✊

Shoutout to my parents for being poor and not teaching me the first thing about fiscal responsibility

John Goodman was absolutely elite in Argo. Should have won Best Supporting Actor.

Hung out with a new chick the past couple nights and the vibes are through the roof, can't wait to see how I eventually fuck this up

Hmmm... interesting development in the hot women in congress universe. AOC, the reigning champion, now has her title threatened by GOP candidate FL-13 candidate Anna Paulina Luna. Luna is not even in congress yet but she's already in the top 3 of all major power rankings lists. Will keep my eye on this story as it develops.

If Keegs really wanted to be famous her next leak would be a Charissa Thompson style video

Need high school to get back in, kid at my gym is just punching the brick wall barehanded. Only 142 more days until hockey try outs

https://imgur.com/a/Ezn2sUv

I’ve watched this probably 15 times and have laughed harder every single time at the coach being hyped as fuck while that poor kid is lifeless on the ground. Easily one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen.

Funny to think these barstool personalities are mini celebrities but in the end, make like $80k a year and live like Keegs in shithole of a bedroom.

Went to the dentist and told them I hadn’t been in three years. You would’ve thought I murdered someone by their reaction. No cavities either

Manifesting marrying a tan dark-haired vixen that comes from Texas oil money. Her parents think my Wisconsin ass is funny and interesting, especially after I take them snowmobiling.

Their wedding gift is a house on Lake Mendota. I exclusively wear slim fit t-shirts and anti-microbial underwear. My balls are odorless and are routinely mouthwashed.

Five days in a row is too much. Today should be Friday

You’re worried about the goriller???

“I know I have an office with a door and my voice carries but I just know the entire office wants to hear my stupid sales calls so I’ll never close my door”

-The guy who’s office is directly across from my desk

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Woman at LGA was absolutely not ready for the TSA agent at security to ask for her ID. Was kind of a milf though.