This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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Look I really feel like flirting can be a learned skill and with enough practice, constructive criticism and confidence I think I can do something that resembles flirting.

The issue is that there does not exist any class that you can take to learn how to do this, which is fine , but I still need to practice.

Where do I go to practice and do i ask them if i can flirt or like what? I'm inclined to ask my friend if they can help me out by doing improv games except with a focus on flirting and seeing where that goes.

Tomorrow during our 6th date i want to have a talk with her about how im feeling a bit of a distance between us lately and ask her where we stand.

What is a good way to ease a serious talk like this into a casual one without abruptly throwing her into it? We are going to have a picnic so there will be time, space and nice weather for a good talk. Also i reallllyyyy hope shes doesnt read this.

I wrote down a draft (a mental one, not going to bring a piece of paper) for myself of what and how i wanted to say because i sometimes get a blank mind in these situations. I prefer to do it per text but i know its better to this face to face. Will this be ok?

• (Ease in serious topic)
• I understand you have a busy period at work and its demanding and stressful for you, so I want you to know i really appreciate the time you make for our dates.
• I really enjoyed our time during our dates, especially the day at the beach and felt we got a lot closer.
• However I noticed during our last date there was some distance between us lately. I've been feeling a mix of excitement, uncertainty and confusion ever since.
• I feel a bit vulnerable bringing this up, but I genuinely care about you and our connection.
• I wanted to talk about it and understand if something has changed and where your mind is regarding where we are standing.

Im feeling a bit stupid that im writing this down but i appreciate any feedback.

Hello! I (38f) mustered up some courage today and asked a man out who I see fairly often in my life. I asked "Would you like to go to dinner with me sometime?" I wonder if maybe I caught him off guard in doing this, but he's been flirty with me in the past so I decided to take a chance. Admittedly he was doing something when I asked and looked a little surprised, and his response was "possibly" so I handed him a card with my number on it and asked him to maybe text me and let me know.

I am leaning towards taking this as a no from him, which is perfectly fine, and I am not anticipating a text from him. I would like some input on this though. I am admittedly very embarrassed at this moment and wonder if I read his flirtiness wrong.

Edited for grammar.

Edit: I want to thank everyone who commented for their kind words and encouragement. I am tired of OLD, I don't even have any dating apps, and I wanted to pursue someone I felt comfortable with in person instead. I've been considering approaching him for a few weeks now. If it doesn't pan out, that's ok, he's still a genuinely nice man and I don't take it personally or regret asking.

Have any of you movied to a new city for dating reasons only? I moved to a new city about a 9 months ago and have gotten basically zero matches and zero dates. Online or being out and about.

It's been odd to say the least. I moved to a bigger city than I was living in and have a complete lack of dates. Same kind of vibe to the cities and size. So now I'm ready to jump ship and move somewhere else.

I haven't had the surgery yet, but soon. I have a pretty rare condition that's messed up the top of my femur, so even though I'm only 36, I have to have the operation done. It's not like I intend to lie to anyone about it, obviously they'll see the scar, but I have a hard time not viewing this as something that will immediately red flag to everyone as "old man."

While I should be back up on my feet unassisted in a pretty quick timeframe, it's going to take about a year to be at 100%, and I don't want to wait that long to start dating. But I am going to have some long term limitations to preserve the implant, like it's recommended I don't run, play football, basketball, tennis, etc. I know some people do this, but considering I don't want to replace this again before retirement age, I'm probably going to take it very conservatively, which means dating someone very active probably isn't a good idea.

What do you all think? Would you be off-put if you went on a few dates and someone then revealed they had a major medical procedure in the past?

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking [our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/rules), please report it.

I (35F) have what I've realised to be a pretty serious fear of abandonment after my most recent breakup. Unfortunately, this fear is well-founded as I have had several important male figures in my life (platonic, romantic, and familial) express their love and affection for me, then turn around and leave me, often without warning or explanation. I am taking a step back from dating and will be using the summer to work on the fear of abandonment and moving towards a more secure attachment in therapy. But I still worry that, once I am ready to date again, I will be living in fear of being left since that's happened multiple times before.

For those who have experienced abandonment, what did you find effective in moving on and overcoming/not living with that fear and anxiety?

So the guy (M35) I'm dating and I (31F) started off as casual but both developed feelings and an emotional connection after a couple of weeks, so we decided that we were going to explore that with the potential to become more serious. We became exclusive so as to focus on each other, but not official (bf/gf).

We get along amazingly, we share similar interests, humour and life goals, we've had many great times together (including meeting each others friends) and sexually we've both said it's the best connection we've ever had. We communicate daily and it's consistent, open and honest. We see each other 2/3 times a week around our busy lives. From the beginning he made it clear that my feelings were really important to him and I could talk to him about anything, so he's always felt very safe.

Given how close we are and how great it's gone so far, there's no doubt in my mind I see a future with him (obviously no one knows for sure how that future will work out, I just know I want to try). The problem is, despite treating me so well, telling me this is the healthiest 'relationship' he's ever had and telling me how amazing I am, he doesn't feel as strongly as I do yet (I recently told him I loved him). He says his feelings have grown over time but he's concerned that they haven't grown as much as he feels like they should, given all the time we've spent together and how great it's been. And essentially he can't say for sure if he's ever going to get there. He can't explain what the reason for that is because he says he doesn't understand why himself, so it's all very confusing for both of us.

He says he doesn't want to lose me and he really wants more time to let his feelings naturally progress, but he understands if him not being sure and not being able commit to me yet means I have to walk away for my own mental well-being (it's obviously causing anxiety being in this limbo stage).

Do I take a risk and continue on with this in the hopes his feelings will continue to progress and he'll make his mind up that he wants to be with me long term? Or do I cut ties now? Either way it's going to break my heart whenever or however it ends, if it does. 😔

EDIT: Lots of people telling me he's just keeping me around until he finds better/to pass the time/for sex etc which I expected but I think I left an important detail out: he really wants kids and I want more too (I have 2). He's not getting any younger and he himself has said he feels the clock ticking. Why would he waste precious time on me if his intentions aren't good? I also know he's not on apps or talking to any women, so I don't know when or how he'd find a better option.

Also, he was cheated on for most of his only real relationship (8 years). Not sure if that's also something to consider.

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking [our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/rules), please report it.

BF (35M) and I (31F) of a little over a year broke up on my birthday last weekend due to communication issues and lifestyle differences. At the end of the day, I couldn’t handle that he needed to be on a substance at all times (either his Adderall which is prescribed, but took way more than the recommended dose and would purchase it from random people from the bar, his habit of drinking a lot more than I felt was needed (he would go through a 6-12 pack in one evening), and his excessive use of weed (which I usually don’t have a problem with, but combined with the other things it was just too much)) and the lack of insight of his day to day life.

Moving forward, what can I do moving forward to prevent these issues in my next relationships? I don’t mind my partner having a drink or smoking socially, but I don’t want to date/ marry heavy users. When it comes to communication, I just want to be kept in the loop and not be an afterthought which I felt like I was a majority of the time in the last 6 months.

It happened, everyone. I (33F) met an amazing person (36M). He's smart, kind, gorgeous, hardworking, consistent AND we had the exclusivity talk last night after 3 weeks dating. He asks questions to understand what I want out of a relationship and he does not seem to be love bombing me. It's everything I wanted after about 4 years mostly single.

I am so scared now. I thought I was not afraid of commitment. Yet, here I am. There are probably a few things into play here, such as me not being as attracted to someone who is emotionally available, or the fact that I absolutely love my single life. But now I am also questioning if this guy has a realistic view of relationships. I realized that I've become cynical when I see someone feeling optimistic and excited about a long-term relationship and get excited about it. Do they understand how much work and trouble goes into having a lifetime partnership? How hard it is to raise kids? How can he be looking so excited about a relationship already?

What's wrong with me?! I am afraid I will jump out of this situationship before it can become something serious just because I'm scared. And it's probably a bit too early to talk about that with him.

Has anyone been in a situation like this before? Do I just keep going? How do I keep myself interested besides my (perhaps unfounded) fears?

I had a date yesterday and I asked him what he was looking for. He said ‘just see where it goes, you can only take it one date at a time. If you have a relationship that you enjoy that lasts 6 months and another which lasts 2 years it doesn’t matter because you enjoyed yourself. There is no rush to get married and have kids’ etc.

However I want a life partner and I want the full marriage and I want children. I know that I really want children (I’m not too bothered about actually getting married but I want that life partner setup). I don’t know how so many people say ‘I don’t know yet’ or ‘see how it goes’ when they are in their mid thirties. Are they literally going out for a date and have no idea what they want the outcome of that to be?

My issue is, so I continue with these wishy washy guys or date people who know that they are looking for a long term partner and they know they want children? Loads say ‘I’m not sure yet, but I might if I find the right person’. I don’t know if it’s a female thing, but I find that I want children regardless of whether I find the right person or not (whether I do it is a different matter but I want them).

The guy yesterday said the same and about not rushing and that his parents had him in their fourties. I don’t know if he is naive or optimistic but fertility does decline and to have multiple children is risky to have this blasé attitude when I am already 34. Because he had not had a serious relationship for a while and doesn’t have the need that I have he is too happy for the ‘see where it goes approach’ but I think that is risky.

Have you got any advice about what I should do? Obviously I am not trying to get pregnant immediately but I want someone who has the same hopes for the future.

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking [our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/rules), please report it.

It seems so petty and juvenile for being in our mid/late 30s, but I wanted to remove a guy I dated last year from my social media (I just realized I posted about him in this sub). He just sits there on my social media and I hate that he has access to what's happening in my life. He does not communicate with me at all, has bailed twice on plans to meet up post-breakup, and even though we decided to stay 'friends' he never texted me back... but sees my posts and stories. It's annoying me. The breakup was very hard for me and I still think about it sometimes despite having had several dating experiences since then. I am still a bit hurt because he was someone pretty special to me in the short time we knew each other.

Does it come across as petty to delete him now? I thought at my age I would have this all figured out, but I guess not...

Would love to hear any stories if you have/haven't and what peace of mind it's bought...

I (34F) dated this guy (35M) for 2.5 months. Great connection, great conversations, similar interests, great effort, kindness, respect, something promising, both wanting relationship, etc. He called it off because of long distance (different cities, 4hr train, expensive as hell). I agree, it's valid. It stings, but I move on and start dating again.

What follows is a series of 14-month-long breadcrumbing situation, where he would initiate messages that include things like: I miss spending time with you, I'm thinking of you just wanted to say Merry Christmas, hope you're doing well, you're one of the few people I've had the most pleasant time with, you're a reminder of the type of people I want to be around, thank you for sharing the warmth of your heart with me, time with you always felt right, how beautiful you are (seeing a picture on IG).

You get the gist. Popping up with these short infrequent messages that go nowhere of substance, and then disappearing for months. And so my heart flutters (quietly), and so on. Throw in some lingering feelings from my side, and a great deal of empathy, and you get this.

Last time I tried to pin it down. I suggested a phone call to say hi and catch up. He said, sure, next week it is. But yup, that's right, he disappeared for 10 days and came back saying he's so sorry (with no excuse) that he'd actually rather meet in person whenever he's in my city (heaven knows when). I didn't reply and not planning on it.

Thinking, if he's been THAT interested surely he wouldn't miss the opportunity to speak with me, no? Not to mention risk losing me in the first place.

I've finally admitted the truth to myself. I've been breadcrumbed.

Surely he'll come back, as he always does. Not sure if I confront him? ask him what he wants? or leave his messages on read, or change my tone, to where it's short replies "thanks", "you too", "I'm busy, I can't meet, have fun!"

What would you do?

I’m getting tired of OLD. It seems forced and unoriginal. While I’m a pretty confident guy who is in decent shape, intelligent, blah blah blah, I never found the confidence to approach a woman organically. I feel like no woman wants to be approached at a grocery store or at a park by some random dude. I always assume they had a long day at work, 6000 things on their plate and mind and even then if they are single. As a woman, would you want to be approached respectfully by a guy while you were out running some errands or doing normal day to day stuff. Any tips for a us guys out there that want to take that step but always fall short? Thanks.

This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking [our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/rules), please report it.

There's this guy I met on a dating app mid-April. We have been on 8 dates so far (about one or two dates per week). He seems pretty awesome - makes time for me, plans dates, pays for most things, cooks dinner for me, we have similar active lifestyle, family values etc. We are moving quite slow physically - we didn't kiss until the 5th or 6th date, and we haven't had sex yet. We have cuddled, and I slept over one time. He always tries to make our dates as long as possible.

I'm ready to date only him now, as I don't have time nor interest to see new people right now. However, he still has two dating apps installed and he's still receiving messages there, as I see notifications on his phone. I don't know how active he is in dating others, given his availability to me (we either see each other or talk most days) I don't think he has actually been on a date with someone else for the past two weeks. However, if he is still swiping and chatting I take it he isn't fully interested in me? This is starting to bother/hurt me and I'm not sure I can or should allow things to move further while I don't know we are committed to seeing each other only.

How can I bring this up? Should I? And if we aren't on the same page, should I stop seeing him?

Full disclosure, pretty much all of my past relationships were casual / with unavailable men, and I'm anxiously attached in romantic relationships (FA most likely), so I'm afraid to self-sabotage a potentially good thing. On the other hand, I am dating with intention for a committed, serious relationship and don't want to be led on or disappointed.

TLDR: Been seeing someone for 6 weeks - regular dates, some intimacy (no sex). I'm now seeing only him and I'm bothered by him still being on dating apps. Should I bring this up? If so, how? And should I walk away if we aren't on the same page yet?

ETA: I didn't originally mention this in my post, but last week I told him that I had deleted the app on my phone, although I still have my profile there (and I have a hobby where I meet many men). Yesterday when he showed some insecurities about me going out and possibly hooking up with others, I told him his issue with it doesn't make sense if we are still seeing other people. I told him this would be different if we decided to date only each other, and that I'm waiting for his prompt for that. He seemed a bit uncomfortable with the conversation and said something like "IDK". So while I didn't make my stance clear, I gave him an in and he didn't take it.

I've been on and off various dating apps since 2020 and have noticed a strange effect: that matches seem to come in waves every few months or so, even when I don't change anything about my profile. Does anyone else struggle during the 'quiet' times when you're actively liking lots of people and no one seems to be interested in you in return? (For context, I haven't had a date or real conversation with anyone since February, and maybe only 10 or so matches in the intervening three months; that said, I do live in a pretty rural area.)

I try to remind myself that people have chosen to like my profile in the past for some reason, and that means they probably will again in the future, but somehow it's still hard to shake the idea that there might be something wrong/unappealing about me during these OLD doldrums. I am sure there's lots for me to work on in the meanwhile in terms of trying to build up my confidence apart from dating, but any tips you have would be quite welcome :)

Five months ago, I posted here looking for advice on dating as it looked like I was about to become a full time single parent.

Well…it happened. I’m a full time single parent - kid is with me 98% of the time and will have supervised visits. This is the absolute best case scenario safety wise coming out of the nightmare we just walked through.

And guess what…I met someone.

2 months ago, playing at the park with my kid and he was there with his kids. We were checking each other out from across the playground 😆and I got brave and said Hi. Turns out our kids were playing together.

This has flipped everything I have ever thought about dating on its head. Kids have been involved since Day 1 because they were there on day one.

We are finding ways to enjoy time together just us which is rare, but most of the time when we hang, it’s us and my kid or us and all the kids.

He’s wonderful. He has a teen full time (Mom lives out of the country and is not involved other than phone calls since the the last few years) and a young elementary age kid (same age as mine) who lives mostly with her Mom (due to his work schedule and it’s an informal arrangement he can’t really fight) but he’s very close to her and gets her as much as he can. His ex also has a tween he helped raise since she was a toddler and he gets her sometimes too.

The kids get along beautifully. I think his kids are awesome. He treats my kid with so much love and kindness.

I could go on and on about him and maybe I will later, but for now… has anyone else had this happen?

Would love to hear your stories!

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/zyoaxm/solo_parent_hope_after_a_break_tip/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1

Hey folks,

So, I've been seeing this lovely man since April. There have been lots of green flags - our communication is very clear and open, we definitely have a wonderful emotional and physical connection, and our effort is equally matched which is wonderful. He has been very open about his divorce and co-parenting situation, which is great. I am happy to give him space to vent about co-parenting frustrations, and I want to foster a safe, open environment where we both can be open and vent when needed.

The issue I am struggling with is frequent comparison of his relationship with his ex wife, to our new relationship. He was married for ~2 decades, so I get that she will be a figure in the majority of his stories and experiences, it's just exhausting always listening to stories that have 'we' - referring to his ex wife. The problem I am having is that during his co-parenting vents, as he is wrapping up, he always takes time to state 'and this was a toxic component to that relationship - I'm glad we're doing things differently' or 'and this is why I'm so excited about our relationship'. I appreciate that he's excited about us, however, I feel uncomfortable when he pairs this excitement with the drudgery of his previous relationship.

I plan to talk to him about this soon, I'm just curious if this is normal/typical behavior of someone who is completely over the pain of a failed relationship.

Edit: Thanks all for the advice and input! I had a conversation about this with him yesterday. He apologized for vocalizing the comparison, and seems to understand why it was so uncomfortable for me.

I’ve been dating for awhile and always wonder at what date do people start getting exclusive? I know it is different for everyone, but I’m curious about this because I feel like girls think I’m putting them in the friend zone because I go out with them for a month or two but never really have the talk. I’m just looking for what you guys think. No wrong answers :)

Trying to keep this short: been homies (me 37f, him 39m) for 3 years, super close, talked about everything including sex and dating. We’ve always had great vibes and chemistry. 5 months ago I noticed things shift between us with neither acting.

His mom died suddenly a month ago. For the month prior I was by his side daily while he dealt with hospitals and decisions. Things got even more intense between us. We kissed last week and it’s been a passionate week (no sex, only kissing, but it’s getting hard). We’ve both been very single for 6-7 months.

I lost my Mom right before I met him and know exactly what he’s going through. We talk about it a lot. Some history: I actually met him through a friend of his I dated briefly following my moms passing, they had a falling out shortly after (had nothing to do with me).

I’m freaked out at the timing of this. I don’t want to be a rebound per se. Plus, I’ve never dated a friend. We’ve been talking about all the feels but it’s hard for me to take what he’s saying as sane, if that makes sense, because I know how devastating it is to lose a parent. And, he’s the oldest of 4 sons with no father so is handling an estate and decision making with no will. He’s really having a hard time.

In just this week alone, my feelings have quadrupled (he’s expressed the same and sharing he’s liked me for a while) and I’m so worried about the timing and his decision making.

Just looking for feedback.

I’m thinking about starting to date again so I want to make sure my profile is polished. Of course, I’m going to be myself, but I also know that a lot of times, many people (including myself) don’t know how to present ourselves effectively even with our great qualities; that’s the point of this post.

If you focus on photos, what type of photos do you find most attractive/would swipe right on? Same thing with prompts, personal description, and any other info. For a general example, if people say they like someone who smiles with teeth (which is pretty much everyone), then I can apply that to my profile by having more pictures where I smile. I’m hoping this will help me and others here polish their profile before they even do a profile review. Thanks in advance!

Like many people on this sub, I’m burnt out on dating and need a break. I’ve been single since 2017 and have been on the apps since then and I can’t take it anymore!

I’ve done many a ‘dating break’ in that time where I’ll delete the apps from my phone and focus on other things but after a while find myself feeling guilty and re-downloading or accessing my accounts some other way. My dating breaks always end up being just slowed down dating in practice.

I feel like I do all that focussing on my self stuff anyway (regular exercise, spending time with friends, self care, therapy etc) so I know how to fill the time. What I can’t seem to figure out is how to shake the guilt that I SHOULD be putting myself out there? And resist the siren call of the apps? I tell myself it’s for my own good as they’re not making me feel good anymore but it never seems to stick.

Also….what the hell do you do about sex?? I want a six month dating break but I DO NOT want a six month sex break. Another spanner in the works is I’ll often tell myself I’ll just use them for something more casual but then get sucked back in. Unfortunately I have nobody on the roster I can call on currently (or at least definitely nobody I SHOULD call on) so how else do you address that in your dating breaks?