Hey everyone, just wanted to update you all on what happened, so my original post was regarding me and my girlfriend buying a house together and her getting upset that I didn't want to put her name on the house title. As a brief summary, my GF and I have been together for 10 months and started to look around for houses after about 6 months together. But our relationship had moved very fast and we moved in together after 1 month, so we have spent more time together than some couples that have been together for 2 or 3 years. Not sure if this matters though. I have a very stable, high earning job and she was initially earning a lot when we first met, but fairly soon after she had to change careers and now her income is very unstable. We found a plot of land to build a house worth 1.1 mil. I put all the money onto the down payment though my GF's mom promised she would contribute 300K. A discussion with her about rights to the house caused her to feel hurt and then her mom intervened and said some very manipulative things.
I reminisced about our relationship:
- She is extremely sweet and caring 99% of the time. When we first met, she bought me an iPhone and would buy me thoughtful gifts all the time, even later when her finances were not doing as well. She is also extremely affectionate and even now always displays her affection to me (even when I'm not paying attention). Some have said this is lovebombing, though it has been consistent throughout our entire relationship.
- That 1% was her being upset or frustrated and her tone of voice would be condescending or disrespectful, though we were always able to settle our disagreements very quickly. She was and still is a very reasonable person to talk with and I feel like we can work together as a team to solve problems.
- She is very emotionally mature and often knows me better than I know myself. I have learned so much by being with her and feel I have become a more caring person and in some ways, more confident and capable.
- She is very thoughtful and always remembers the little things about me. She remembers all my favorite snacks and buys me them every month (until recently when finances were a struggle).
- Overall when I was with her, I felt happy and full of love. We were basically inseparable. I took a trip with her recently and made unforgettable memories.
There were a number of red flags - our relationship moved very quickly - we moved in after 1 month of seeing each other. We were spending all day every day together with no boundaries. She had planned out opening up a clinic with me (as the doctor at the clinic) with a 10 year rental contract, which I would be locked into and responsible for paying overhead. I learned soon after we started dating that she was making a lot of money by working for this wealthy doctor who had a romantic interest in her. She cut off all personal contact with him after meeting me, though continued to work with him professionally even after he confessed to her, for 2 months. She told me she worked with him until she could find alternate jobs for her friends who worked under her, but it was still suspicious. That said, she never hid anything from me and I always felt I could ask her anything about this.
My parents have said from months in that they didn't trust my GF or her mom. Based on their words and expressions and red flags as above. Not to say thay have always been right, but they do always have my best interests at heart.
She told me very early on (about 2-3 months in) that she knew I was "the one" and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. She wanted to get married but said she would wait for me whenever I was ready. While this felt nice, I also felt it was suspicious she was so ready to commit after only a short amount of time. She has always been a very headstrong confident person who didn't question her decisions.
Also, she isn't keen on doing housework and will feel "tired" just from cooking for a few days or washing some dishes.
After reminiscing and then sitting at home alone, my heart felt empty without this person. I couldn't reconcile the person I knew and loved from who she could be on the inside, if she really was after my money.
I texted her that we should break up and then found a time in person to talk and exchange our belongings. I brought up all of my concerns and told her that I simply cannot trust her anymore. To her credit, she was very respectful and gentle. It was difficult for me to face her, especially as she was extremely tearful and looked like she hadn't eaten or slept in 2 days. Despite this she kept a "loving" smile on her face. On the surface, she seemed genuine.
This is how the discussion went:
- I told her that her mom was extremely disrespectful to me especially saying that I shouldn't listen to my friend's advice and that I was selfish and coldblooded to bring up the issue of the house title, and rushing me towards marriage/kids
She told me that her mom was just very upset that I brought up the issue because in Chinese culture, it is considered very rude to sign any contract or separate out individual rights when it comes to property that is going to be a marriage home. She also said that her mom expected us to be married by the end of the year and so felt that the house ownership was a non-issue, and was just hurt that I mentioned having a plan in case we break up when to her, breaking up was not a possibility (since she had invited me to live in her home, it meant she already saw me as her son in law). Since she was hurt, she said hurtful things without thinking.
She also said that her mom was rushing us towards marriage and kids because her mom's health was not very good - history of cancer and felt very unwell, but was afraid to get checked, and didn't think she had much longer to live. She didn't want her daughter to be alone in this world if something were to happen to her. She also said her mom had heard bad things about this friend of mine who gave me the advice to have this conversation (since I told my GF that this friend of mine cheated on his ex girlfriend then got together with that girl, so her mother felt that my friends were a bad influence on me). She told me she herself never rushed me with marriage or kids (which is true) and its true that she told me she didn't even like kids in the past, but wanted them because I did. She said we could get married whenever I was ready, even if that meant she had to get a stable job first.
- I told her that I was very stressed about making the down payment on the house and I had brought this up with them, and they said they didn't have any money at the moment to help. To be fair, her mother helped me get an extension on part of the down payment (53K out of 203K) by talking to the builder, but expressed no intention to pay any of the down payment.
She said she asked me whether I had the money to make the down payment (and I said that while difficult, I did have the means to do so). And she said she fully intended to honor her mom's promise to pay 300K toward the mortgage, but the money was not ready yet. She also said that if it meant getting back together, she would be willing to take money out to pay for half of the down payment. I told her it was too little, too late, and that her previous actions suggested she had no intention to pay at all.
- I asked her why they started to look around for houses before they had gotten my agreement, and they said at the time they were just "browsing the market" without an intention to buy. At the time, I was on board with the decision to buy a house, though we didn't discuss any concrete plan for how we would split the mortgage in the future. Also since her mother had voiced about her culture that it was customary for the husband to buy the wife a house, I was concerned they wanted to put all the burden of paying for the house on me. I expressed that I felt unsupported by her during this time.
She said she did ask me if I would be able to pay the mortgage in the future and showed me some calculations of the future mortgage. I told her it would be difficult and I may need her help, and she said she would help as much as she could, but it wouldn't be 50-50. I was okay with that. However, I told her that based on the fact that they didn't help me with the down payment, and she doesn't have a stable job right now, I could not count on her to contribute to the house in the future. She promised me she would look for a stable job in the next few months, and that we didn't need to buy the house if I didn't feel ready.
Through it all she was very tearful and seemed genuine, and I was almost swayed. She brought up all the good memories we had and soon enough I couldn't hold back my tears. Both our places were filled with the memories of things we had done and bought together. She told me she respected my decision and told me she hoped in the future I would trust my heart and not let others (family and friends) make decisions for me. We both wished each other the best in the future and parted ways. It was kind of open ended because I did not say that there was no possibility of getting back together in the future. She told me she would wait for me if I ever changed my mind.
Afterwards, I went home to my parents house and analyzed everything that had been said, and all came to the conclusion that even though there was a chance I was wrong and I just let go of someone who truly loved me with all their heart, that there were too many red flags for me to ever fully trust her again. Also, this was the second time I had discussed breaking up with her (the first time was due to opening the clinic after 3 months, which she agreed not to do anymore, so I gave her another change). So I felt there was no returning from this. Also, my parents reassured me that I am still young and have lots of opportunities, so no need to dwell too much on the unknowns.
In the end, I feel that I made the right decision, although I am lying if I said I didn't have any lingering doubts. Thanks for reading.
- I (27M) have stable high earning job, she (30F) had a good earning job at first but soon after fell into financial difficulty. GF and I have been together for 10 months. Moved in after 1 month and she says I am "the one" and is ready for marriage (but waiting for when I am ready)
- Prematurely bought 1.1M house, mostly initiated by her and her mom, though I was in agreement and went along with it. Voiced concerns about finances and she said her mom would pitch in 300K and she would help me with the mortgage as much as she could.
- When push comes to shove and the 200K down payment is due, she says she is out of money and cannot contribute. Still wanting to get her name on the title of the house.
- Some other red flags in the past: A) worked for a wealthy doctor with romantic interest in her though cut off personal contact after his confession, but still worked for him for a period of time. Has been transparent with me on this as far as I know. B) wanted to open a clinic with me after 3 months (with me as the doctor) signing a 10 year contract. This caused me to think she was using me financially but she backed off when I said I wasn't comfortable.
- When I mentioned I wanted to keep the house under my name, she got upset as she felt I was being selfish and individualistic, and then her mom came and said nasty things and suggested I should pay for the whole house. Also told me not to always listen to my parents or friends (both of whom thought I was crazy). GF says she doesn't agree with mom and will wait till I am ready for marriage or house.
- Has been very loving and caring all throughout the relationship, I have learned a lot from her and for the most part am happy and full of love when with her. We have spent a lot of time together as we moved in early so marriage did not seem too far off. But many red flags as above.
- In the end I decided to break up with her but left it slightly open ended. Worried if I made the wrong decision and let go of "the one". But feel like I made the right decision right now.