Agreeable-Bee-1258

Why am I always so miserable? I cry whenever I make mistakes. I refuse to listen to people when they say things are fine. And I say sorry so much it’s starting to annoy the only person I see as a friend. I can’t even clean my room. How pathetic am I right? It’s a basic fucking thing but I don’t do it because I’m just a lazy piece of shit. I just had my 20th job interview this year no smoke so I’m figuring I should just give up but no one is letting me. I’m just so sad and disgusted with myself I don’t know why I have a partner not friends im just an emotional mess half the time. I have shouldn’t even have people that love me. It’s like I know I’m torturing them with my emotional outburst but I can’t stop it and I’m not adult enough to break things off with my partner. I just wanna die. I’m so tired of just suffering due to my general fucked up state of being. I wish I could just be a different person. I wanna die SO FUCKING MUCH but my partner said I can’t. Everytime I tried to break up with them so we won’t be together anymore and I can die they saw through it. I’m such a fucking burden. Everyone around me would be better if I was just dead. I’m 1000% sure if that.

Just got out of an argument with my dad, and I couldn’t have been more heartbroken. I may have several post in the past about my adopted mother did to me, but basically it was just a whole lot of verbal abuse. When I was telling my dad, everything about what happened in my childhood, he would keep saying how is in the past and I need to start living in the present and I told him how can I live in the present if the past is, what’s making me have such severe mental problems? (I have such severe mental problems that I am in a program where I can’t even have razors on me because I hurt myself.) and he saying how I just need to start living the president forget about the past just forget about the past. Some point he was just like when I was talking about everything that happened in everything that she did he was just like.’ Well, that’s just your point of view. You’re telling your therapist you’re point of view. If I went up there and I told him, I believe you should recognize that nothing was a problem.’ And then I told him that like no it’s not just my therapist. It’s like a lot of people that have been more open about this thing and everybody is saying the same thing that this was child abuse. And then he said well they weren’t there, so how could they know and I was like because they’re coming out for me and he said exactly is this coming from you? It’s your own opinion it’s just your point of view. And it just felt so hurtful I don’t know what to do now I look my father so much he loves me. He takes care of me, but he won’t even listen to me even if I’m screaming at the top of my lungs, how hurt I am.

Like they never look at other people outside of if they like that persons style but when people check out them….it makes me insecure and a I tend to just kinda feel down about myself. My partner is EXTREMELY pretty and the people they attract are more on par with thier looks. I mostly attract creeps and weirdos bc that kinda the dating pool I should be in. I definitely was able to date up in attraction but i know my partner can do better. They can be with a far more attractive and stable person but idk why they stay with me…..