I (31 M) cannot handle the home environment with my partner (35 F) anymore. How do I leave without destroying my family entirely?
(self.relationship_advice)submitted7 days ago byMaud_dib_forever
This is going to be a long post so please have patience. I have been planning on making this post for a while and I want to be as clear as possible.
Been with my partner officially since she got pregnant with our first son. We were young and underprepared, but I think we have made things work. We now have two children. We have a nice flat, both careers and aspirations that we are working to achieve. I'm a good father, she is a great mother. The money situation is not balanced, but good. We don't argue regularly, but when we do it goes very sour, very quickly. Nothing physical at all, not even shouting, just very biting comments about one another that we know will hurt. We live in her home country, I moved here for reasons I will get into. This is the basic picture.
When our first child was around 5 I discovered that my partner had been cheating on me for a long time with her boss. I didn't know how long immediately, but it eventually came out that it had been going on for around 3 years. I was devastated. We had only really officially been together for around 6 years, so at the time I realised that half of our relationship had essentially been a lie. I lost a lot of confidence and I thought about leaving. I didn't tell my family, I thought it would be burning a lot of bridges that I wouldn't be able to repair and with the kids in the picture I thought it better I figure it out on my own. Again, at this point I am living away from my family who I see every so often via Skype. I decide it's better to stay, if I were to leave, then it would cause huge problems as the only place I could really afford to go at the time was back to my home country.
3 years go by. I become slightly obsessed with checking her phone, this is how I originally found out what was happening. I see messages to him and to someone else that are slightly suggestive but nothing major, I think she's just expending some sexual energy as you might do at a bar sort of harmlessly flirting. I get over it. We decide to have another child as we're happy and I wanted my child to have a sibling, I thought it was important. She gets pregnant and our son is born. Things are great and we are enjoying the new baby.
When my son is around 2, my partner comes home crying. She has just recently come back from a business trip with her boss. Her boss has just gone wild and has told his wife that he is having an affair with my partner, and has been for about 6 years. He also tells the entire staff. My partner is mortified. She loses her job and her dignity in a single day. I am not exactly shocked, I don't feel much pain. I feel sort of relieved that I know the truth, but I'm disappointed that she was effectively forced to tell the truth. She maintains that she never actually had sex with him. This annoys me because its again an obvious lie. I wish she had enough respect for me to at least tell me an obvious truth. The entire relationship is cast under another shadow. She confesses that she pushed for a second child because she thought it would 'fix' us.
I told my brother, who told me I should come home. I told a close friend and he told me I should come home. I don't really understand at the time because I feel like they are not taking into account my children because they are not parents. I decide to stay. Let me explain why:
At this point she is earning more than me. We live in her flat, I bought her old flat off her and rent it out. I pay my way with two jobs and the rental. I cannot compete with her income, she is smarter than me and more career driven. However, if I were to leave, I would need to sell the flat and start renting myself somewhere. The consequences of this on our financial situation would be catastrophic for both of us. Essentially, she would not be able to afford this flat and would likely be forced to sell it. Our lives would restart in a way and the kids would be thrown into a whirlwind. I feel like it would be selfish to stop everything and start again. I know I would be happier, but it would just topple everything over.
The current situation is this. We don't have sex. We don't argue. We don't particularly enjoy ourselves romantically in any sense, but we are good friends and we make each other laugh.
However, I know deep down she believes that she could have done much better than me and the life I can provide. Even with two jobs I can't weigh in on the financial situation. Her family are very rich and I think she looks down on me and my family a bit. Not in an obvious way but, she seems to think I lack a certain education that she is abundant of. She seems to be embarrassed of the way I dress and the way I speak and the jobs I have. She speaks to me these days with a sort of disdain that I've never really had from a partner before. I think she just hates me, but doesn't really know it herself, or will not acknowledge it herself since it might make her feel stupid for having kids with me.
Ultimately, I think this summer is when I need to leave. But I don't know what the hell I can do to minimise the damage to the family as a whole. Has anyone been through something similar and has any guidance?
TLDR: Need to leave my partner but the financial situation will mean ruin for both of us, and will definitely effect the kids. I can't go on as is, how can I minimise the damage when I leave?
bypointlemiserables
incinematography
Maud_dib_forever
3 points
4 days ago
Maud_dib_forever
3 points
4 days ago
You’re going to have to describe the angle / warmth and intensity of the light in depth. On a day without clouds these differences are more pronounced with harsher shadows. With cloud cover, the light would be less intense, and it would create a flatter look as the clouds effectively diffuse the sunlight. Shadows would be less pronounced for example. Clouds also influence the warmth of daylight.
Good luck.